I would rather much ignore the fact I owned a substack account, but unfortunately I lose my phone after a concert, and I was forced to look through all literary works I’ve ever done in my life, so now I’m back here; writing away at my laptop screen at 9:00 PM to whittle away at my ever growing depressive thoughts.
Did I ever mention the fact that I went out of the country for at least a year? Yeah, life had been way too hectic since then. Or maybe I lied, it definitely felt like the most relaxed I’d ever been, but also somehow simultaneously the most stressful part of my life. It was supposed to last longer than a year, actually; so you can tell how disappointed I am that I’m back in this country filled with nothing but trauma responses and lack of access to my vices. When ever did cigarettes cost 10 pesos each? Marlboro Lights my beloved you’ve changed.
Anyway, this isn’t my substack if I don’t talk about something related to any body of water, right? And fortunately for everyone, today’s body of water is a waterfall.
Has anyone ever fallen down a waterfall for leisure actually? Just riding along the waves until you’re falling down, the threat of jagged rocks filled with moss breaking your back very much evident, yet you fall into the water and continue your merry descent? I personally have never (and probably will never) known what its like to fall down a waterfall literally, but my life lately could easily be compared to one, and that’s not sugarcoating things this time, surprisingly.
I arrived in a different country and was immediately bombarded with my sexist and homophobic relatives (woosh goes the falls), after years of believing they’d be at least decent human beings. Then, the very same uncle apparently tried to hit on my mother (woosh goes the falls once again). Afterwards, I got told I was the cause as to why I was stranded in another country, in another continent, even though I heavily insisted that I wanted to stay in the Philippines to further my studies (woosh goes the falls again). Then, my best friend died while I was away (woosh, the falls once again drags me down). And shortly after that, I got sent back home, with all hopes dashed. The worst part is that I got to see the school I wanted to attend, and it was gorgeous unlike any other. Not even La Salle or UP could evoke the same emotions I felt gazing at the logo of said school, and I was devastated that I could never dream of studying there at all (the falls dont make a sound as I fall once again, hitting my head and my heart this time on blunt rocks. I sometimes feel like its not the world that stops me from breathing, but my own ribcage that’s pierced my lungs.). Then, my other hopes and dreams of becoming an Attorney, a Lawyer, gets thrown out of the window as my Mother’s selfish claims that it was pointless, useless, and aimless overthrows the notion of selfishness I’ve ever had in my life. I never once believed I was made for anything other than to die, but the prospect of studying the law had me excited and had my head above the clouds. However, her own desires to have a child to brag about outweighed the desire of a course I could brag about. (That’s the final sound of a body dropping dead at the foot of a waterfall. The corpse ends up floating down stream, towards wherever. He must have been so selfish to receive that kind of fate. He probably deserved such.)
Anyway, this was less poetic and more of an outlet. I’ll try to come back here soon with something more flowery and less thorny. I guess I just needed to breach surface once in a while to complain about my life.
Signed, Yvin.